Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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