sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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