Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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