How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
