im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
