My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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