If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
