if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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