People with herpes should wear stickers.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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