The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
