I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize