im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
