I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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