Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
