Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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