She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
