You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
