What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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