uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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