there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
