So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
