My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dicks are not precious.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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