Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
