I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize