dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
