i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
