Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
