so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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