Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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