So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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