the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
