i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
