Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
