Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
