i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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