Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
