Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
my poor anus
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