Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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