i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
