On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
