She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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