Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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