I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
