my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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