I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize