If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
