don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
