last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
