Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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