My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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