I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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