Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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