I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
