I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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