I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
