it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
