Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
