i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I want her autograph on my taint
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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