i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
