He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize