So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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