we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
