why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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