just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
