I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
