Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
