My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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