Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
